Why Are Some Widowers So Angry?

Shortly after my wife’s death, I went to the mountains by myself for a week and screamed as loud and often as I wanted to. But now, 7 years later, I no longer feel the anger I felt then. I now forget how easy it was to cut myself off from everyone and to let the anger and depression take over my life.

Why do many of us become so angry? The obvious reason is that the love of our life was ripped away from us. As a facilitator of a Men’s Grief Group, I often heard widowers speak openly about the anger that wells up within them and how that anger can take over and interfere with their relationships and their ability to process their grief. Anger can warp our social filters, limit our ability to communicate, and put us on edge.

I AM NOT SAYING THAT WE SHOULD NOT BE ANGRY! Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, and it is OK, even healthy, to express it. The danger is that it becomes dominant and does not allow us to process other feelings and thoughts important to our healing. These feelings can lead to unresolved grief, depression, anxiety, and even aggravated physical issues. Alcohol and substance abuse can become frequent companions during this period.

Sometimes we may be mad at ourselves, our spouse, or family members for some reason. This can result in regret and anger which leads to an endless cycle of pain and sorrow. We can only move beyond it if we forgive them and ourselves.

Comments from others may seem insensitive and feed our anger. Many societal, religious, or group-think-inspired responses sound reasonable to the uninitiated but sound terrible to us when our wife passes. These can include:

• implying that you or your wife somehow deserved this, or
• hinting that your wife or you did not pray enough, or
• saying you don’t have to be sad, just decide to be happy, or
• affirming that everything happens for a reason, so everything will be all right in the end, or
• asking a mundane question without thinking, such as, “How are you?” or
• suggesting that your grieving is just for a short period and you will be stronger for it.

When we are angry it helps to remember that anger takes time away from processing our loss, from remembering the good part of what we had, and from honoring our wife’s memory. As difficult as it is, it helps to focus on confining our expressions of anger to times when we can just let it out. This may mean going to the mountain or beach by yourself, entering a closet in your home, or screaming into a pillow.

If you don’t release this pent-up anger, frustration, confusion, and anxiety, you risk having it come out at an inopportune time and ruining valued relationships. If you lash out at those close to you, try to explain to them why what they said or did makes you angry. Over time, I learned to forgive others for being “insensitive,” and forgive myself for saying or doing the wrong thing in return.

This means being vulnerable, and sharing your grief and even anger with others. By doing this we let the anger find a productive outlet… one which relieves the stress and anxiety, and one which lets you gradually leave the anger behind you.

Some of the best advice I received was to “embrace your grief,” because this, in turn, allowed me to process it and to heal. In other words, don’t fight it. Instead, accept that pain is a part of the healing process, and then you can gradually move beyond it and reengage with life again.

©2023 Fred Colby, All rights reserved.