When friends leave too

From July 9, 2019

Among the many devastating changes that come with widowhood, one that often catches people completely by surprise is when one or more close friends leave.

Most married couples have a few (or many) friends who are also couples. The relationship between couples may involve:

• Going to dinner with each other on a regular basis. 
• Belonging to the same organizations. 
• Doing things together with each other’s children. 
• Even going on vacation with each other.

Perhaps this situation sounds familiar to you. There were friendship connections you’d had for years. And when your spouse died, some of these friends pulled away and you don’t see them as often (or at all). 

Sadly, this is not an uncommon occurrence. And, it ends up feeling like “insult added to injury” because these people could have been part of your support as you go through grief. They would be the perfect people with whom to share memories of your late spouse. 

I’ve heard a variety of reasons about why do friends leave:

• The friends don’t know what to say. I’ve heard many people (who haven’t lost a loved one) say they’re afraid to talk to the widower about their loved one. They fear it will make you feel worse. What these friends don’t know is – if what they say is from their heart it will always be comforting, and that we who have been widowed usually can’t feel any worse by talking about our departed loved one.
• There’s a chance that the same sex spouse may be worried their spouse might be interested in having a relationship with you. I realize this is their problem and doesn’t have anything to do with you. However, because it really does happen sometimes, I wanted to include it in this list.
• The friends don’t know how to handle your sadness. They want to move on with their life and feel happy again. Being around those of us who have been widowed may seem like a downer to them. The truth is – you may long to feel better as well, but that’s just not possible for quite a while because you’re the one whose spouse has died. 

Some friends leave, but hopefully some of your longtime friends will stay in your life.

This would be optimum. But if you start finding they aren’t as available, it’s helpful to find new friends. I realize there truly isn’t a substitute for longtime friends. However, making new friends will help you create an important new support system.

One of the places to begin, if you’re new to your grief journey, is to join a grief group. A well-respected national organization is GriefShare.org. I know that quite a few people have made friendships (and some have even found love) while attending their meetings.

Another group to explore, especially if you’re a little farther along in your journey, is meetup.com. You’ll find a huge variety of people participating in interesting activities. Look for something you already enjoy or would like to learn and attend at least three times to confirm whether or not you enjoy the activities and the people attending. 

Being proactive about spending time with old and/or new friends can be very helpful in your mental and emotional healing. I know this, not only through the stories of my clients, but in my personal experience of widowhood as well.

Let me know if some of these ideas end up working for you. And, if you have suggestions to add, I’d love to hear about them.