LAUGHING AND HEALING WITH YOUR WIFE

One of the early signs that you might be pulling out of deep grieving and beginning to heal is the first time you laugh at a memory of your wife.

At first you may recoil at the fact that you are laughing at something she did, thinking you are betraying her and should suffer now and forever. You might even berate yourself for such behavior, believing you should only be sorry every time you think of her.

I clearly remember my first time laughing at my wife’s behavior. My daughters had joined me to begin the process of clearing out some of my wife’s (Theresa) paraphernalia. Hidden in the back corner of one nightstand drawer I found a small purse which contained $500 in cash!

I burst out laughing. My daughters wondered if I had gone off the rails. Then we were all chuckling as we realized this was Theresa’s gambling stash… money she had won during one of her infrequent day trips with friends to nearby casinos. One of her endearing traits was that we always shared in her losses, but the winnings would be squirreled away as her stash to use to buy secret presents for the grandkids.

Somehow when we were with the grandkids, Theresa was always able to magically pull out $20 bills to spoil the kids with food, ice cream, movies or books. I always wondered where this unending supply of money came from.

My moment of laughter released stress that had built up in my body and mind. It allowed me to step back and look at our loving relationship with even more appreciation… because now I was seeing her as this whole and complete beautiful woman with all of her secrets and imperfections. I knew that she was there laughing with me at both of our silly human foibles.

More opportunities to laugh emerged over the next months and years. I began to search out those funny memories with my daughters and grandkids, because I knew that realizing how wonderfully human my wife was in life, would help us to remember and honor her in a healthy way going forward.

Prior to this, I was deeply immersed in the “angel stage” of how I saw Theresa. My every thought of her reinforced the belief that she was this perfect angel who had no faults or blemishes, and who walked on water. This is a perfectly normal reaction after losing your partner of many years. However, over the long haul it is neither realistic nor healthy.

That does not mean that you cannot remember and celebrate all the wonderful qualities of your spouse. But it does mean that a more realistic and human view of her can help you to process your grief in a more therapeutic and healthy way.

If we idealize someone as a saint (and maybe they were considering that they stood by us for so many years) it is hard to see ourselves or others as being worthy of them. This unrealistic view can be especially hard on kids and grandkids. They may develop feelings of inadequacy when they compare themselves with their mother’s or grandmother’s elevated angelic status.

You want to hold on to your wife’s example for yourself and your children as one to emulate; but you also want that example to be real and achievable. So, yes… do continue to remember, honor, and love her; but love and accept her as she was, not as an idealized model that no one can match. Let’s face it, this is probably what she would want you to do as well.

©2025 Fred Colby, All rights reserved.