I Don’t Want to Heal!

Are you floating in a sea of grief with only a life vest of memories keeping you afloat? If you are not careful, that life vest can become a heavy weight of anger, regrets, and fear that drags you down into depression.

Grief during the early stages can be both physically and mentally painful to the point that you are desperate for it to end. But you might eventually find yourself welcoming grief as a way to be close to and honor your wife. How many of us have said, “I will never leave her, forget her, or stop grieving for her.”

At this point, you may actively avoid healing. Why? Because you fear that losing touch with your grief is the same as losing contact with your wife! Sometimes when we are in pain, we become so used to it that we prefer the pain we know over the unknown that lies before us.

This unknown, a life without her, a life that is different in so many respects, may scare us after years of contentment and knowing exactly what to expect. You completed each other’s sentences and knew each other’s habits, schedules, emotional states, and more. You could count on each other for support when things went unexpectedly. Now, you have no one to do that for or with you.

The black void that lies before you is scary! And when we are fearful, we tend to hold on to what we know… even if it is bad for us. At this point, you may bury yourself in meaningless chores, hide in your home, drink too much or take drugs, or do just about anything to avoid confronting the challenge which is before you… that is to reinvent yourself and learn how to live again as a single widowed male.

The first step towards healing is to admit that you are afraid, and then reach out for help from others including grief counselors, family, friends, and those who care about you. Go ahead and tell your (and your wife’s) story to anyone who will listen, honor her by being the man she helped you to become, and give gratitude every day for her having been in your life.

We all need to find ways to help others as our wives would have wanted us to do. Every time you help others you begin to feel like you have purpose again, a purpose that gives meaning to your life and why you are still here. Don’t become the caricature of the “angry old man” so aptly illustrated on screen by Tom Hanks in “A Man Called Otto.”

It is not like a football game that can be won with a single hail-Mary pass. It is more like a marathon where you must stick with it and endure the pain and exhaustion. It takes consistency and persistence to break out of the grieving into a healthier healing journey. I can tell you from my own experience, and that of hundreds of widowers who have told me of their own journey, that it is worth the effort.

It will still hurt, and there will still be moments when you cry and want to be left alone. But you will gradually find yourself being able to laugh again, to return love for love again, and to feel that life is worth living again. Good luck my fellow widowers as you work to find your own path to healing.

©2023 Fred Colby, All rights reserved.