Frequently Asked Questions

What to expect after losing a spouse?

Losing one’s spouse/partner is a life changing event that impacts every facet of living until adjustment to your new life is made. These experiences and feelings are not unique to you; everyone in your situation has faced them. Consider the following examples and coping strategies:  

Widowers often describe that after their wife died, friends and neighbors have been bringing food to the house. I know this will soon stop and I am dreading the day. What do I do?

You are not alone. If your spouse/partner was the chief cook in your marriage you may feel uncomfortable in the kitchen. One woman describes her husband as being the primary cook for her family. After his death she felt awkward in the kitchen. Another widower said his wife knew my food preferences so well that when we dined at restaurants she would tell me what foods I would like on the menu. Here are a few suggestions to help with cooking plans: 

• Try eating out with friends. If you are dining alone and feel uncomfortable eating at a table by yourself, try eating at the bar. It can help avoid the thought that people are looking at you.
• Use a food service to deliver pre-cooked frozen foods which can be popped into the microwave.
• Many supermarkets have prepared foods for you to buy.
• You may have charcoal grilling skills: steaks, chops, chicken, fish, with a salad (which can be purchased at your market), potato and vegetable and you have created a mouthwatering dinner.
• Remember, if you can read a recipe, you can cook! You might even enjoy taking a cooking class.

Why am I having problems sleeping?

In grief our thoughts are consumed by our loss; it may take everything just to keep going through the motions of daily life.  It may be difficult to sleep and it’s not uncommon to experience newfound insomnia, or to feel exhausted even if you are getting sufficient sleep.  

How do I deal with household matters I was never involved with before?

Although you may not have ever realized the complexity of running a household it can be dealt with by not being intimidated. Consider keeping lists of things you need/want to do and seek help from family and friends. There are many professionals – like accountants and lawyers – who can advise you as well. Non-profit organizations, like the National Widowers’ Organization or the Men’s Grief Network, can also be a source for resources

What can I do about coming home to an empty house?

A couple of simple things might help: make sure there are lights on when you leave the house so you don’t come home to an empty house. You might want to leave the radio on as well. Turn the sadness and loneliness when entering the house into a reminder of what a wonderful person you spouse was and let those memories light up you and the house.

I have an interest in seeking new companionship. Is that ok? How can I communicate this desire to my adult children?

Ask yourself what you are seeking? You may be longing for companionship so you feel you must date but dating isn’t the only form of companionship. Seek a social life first, before a sex life. Don’t just use another person but be ready for the give and take of a relationship. Don’t seek a replacement for your spouse. First consider what a new relationship would mean to your family. Talk to your children and close family members making sure they are ready. Is the resistance by family members worth the cost? Evaluate the consequences of the choice you make. Introduce the new person to your family slowly. Recognize that your family members have their own issues. Be patient and understanding with them.

What should you know about dating a widower?

Christine Baumgartner, a widow and professional dating and relationship coach provides an ongoing blog addressing the needs of widowers and their families as they try to adjust to the challenges of entering new relationships. Visit her blog here.