YOU HAVE OPTIONS NOW! DO YOU WANT THEM?

When you first realize that you now have some unexpected options, you may not want them. They may scare you, embarrass you, or make you feel guilty.

Why? Because during the first few months of grieving the last thing you will want to think about are the choices that lie before you. Some of those choices (e.g. stay in your house or downsize to an apartment/condo) may be driven by economic necessity, while others (e.g. move across the country to be nearer kids or friends) may be exciting and scary at the same time.

At first, we tend to hunker down in isolation while gradually working our way through our grief. But before long, life just refuses to stop. We cannot just hide out in our home. The first time we become aware that we now have choices may be something as simple as deciding which grocery store to go to, or which car to drive that day, or whether we want to go or not go to church.

If you and your wife had fallen into a regular pattern for your daily life, this sudden freedom may be shocking at first. You may feel guilty because you are still here… and you resist choosing to do something different than what you may have done in the past. This may seem like a betrayal of your wife.

For me, the first time I became conscious of this “freedom” was when I realized that I did not need two cars anymore. I chose to sell my wife’s car, and then to trade in my car along with the cash from selling hers. I was able to upgrade and get a nice new Mazda CX-5 with all the bells and whistles. I felt somewhat guilty over spending so much on a car, but I also realized that Theresa, my wife, would have been happy for me… just seeing that I was going to continue living and trying to enjoy my new life.

As you progress on your grief journey, it is likely that you will have many more options put before you. Sometimes these will be overwhelming, and bad choices can be painful and lead to some horrible consequences. When you come to a Robert Frost-like fork in the road only you can decide which path to choose, and whether you are ready to commit to it.

As you have probably heard many times by now, it is not wise to make any major life-changing choices during the first year of grieving. You are not likely to be ready psycho-emotionally and may make choices that cause irreparable harm for you and others.

However, it is also good to know that at some point you will be ready and should make these decisions as new options present themselves. Some may be as momentous as falling in love again, moving in with someone new, or even marrying again. For others it may include starting a new career late in life, or moving to a new city, or joining a group that takes big trips. The possibilities are endless.

When you begin to realize how wonderful some of these options are, you will find that living can once again be fun and rewarding. You will eventually work your way past the early guilt and regrets (e.g. that she is not here to share this with you). However, you will hopefully get to the point where you realize that you can still remember, love, and honor her while you are reengaging with life again.

Each of us must find our own way, and each of us must consider each new option carefully. Some will find it an easy thing to do within months of their wife’s death, while others may take years to get to this point. So don’t try to outline it all, don’t set deadlines with goals and objectives… just let it happen. And when options do present themselves to you, be open to the possibilities. You may be pleasantly surprised!

Good luck my friends.

©2025 Fred Colby, All rights reserved.