Why Are We So Damned Lonely?

A friend who recently lost his wife and I were commiserating recently over how damned lonely we were soon after losing our wives.

This is despite our backgrounds which included interacting with hundreds (if not thousands) of people yearly. And even though we had:

• Several close married friends
• Family and friends in our community
• Current and former workmates
• Active community lives that previously required us to interact with many neighbors, community leaders, interest groups, and church friends
• And much more

So why were we still lonely? Couldn’t we call any of these people and invite them to go out for a coffee or beer with us? Why didn’t they call us? Couldn’t we sign up for social, sports, hobby, or arts activities that would get us out there and make us feel less lonely?

But for both of us, the loss of our wives was something different. There was a Grief Wall that inserted itself between us and all our former friends and acquaintances. This grief wall emerges the moment our wife passes, it is the pure pain and sense of loss that comes with having half of your very being torn away.

For someone who may have already started to withdraw from their community before their wife passes due to illness or aging, this loneliness is likely to be amplified even more. As we age many withdraw more and more from organizations, churches, clubs, and group activities. So, if I and my friend (who were both still active into our 70s and 80s) experienced this dramatic sense of loneliness, you can imagine how much worse it would be for those who had already withdrawn from these groups and activities… making them and their spouse even more codependent.

A recent NY Times article (The Loneliness Curve by Christina Caron) noted, “self-reported loneliness tends to decline as people approach midlife only to rise again after the age of 60, becoming especially pronounced by around age 80.” So, widowers who are over the age of 60 are more at risk already, even before losing their spouse.

I speak often in my book and blogs about the tendency of men to have only 1 or 2 close male friends. Widowers are often shocked when they inventory their friendships and discover how few they have. After losing our spouse, if we continue on this road, we are likely to have a pretty miserable existence going forward. (Some seem to thrive on being alone and do not need to do anything different. I am not one of those.)

Often in desperation widowers will find themselves spending hours on dating websites hoping to find a special someone who can replace their wife. They are especially susceptible to cute gals showing a little cleavage while drawing them into a web of deceit and fraud. While in this state of grieving the widower’s ability to make rational decisions is greatly diminished.

Loneliness can cause severe physical and mental health issues if not addressed. Melancholy, depression, withdrawal from society, diminishing mental capacity, and more are common side effects of self-isolating. During the first few months of widowhood, it is extremely difficult to meet this challenge. However, deal with it we must. At some point, we have to choose to confront it.

The first step in addressing this loneliness is to recognize it as OUR problem. It is not everyone else’s problem. And if it is OUR problem, then we must be part of the solution. Confronting our grief is the first step in our healing process. Confronting our self-isolation and self-harm (e.g. drinking too much or doing drugs) is the next step.

We can begin by reaching out to those closest to us and inviting them for a coffee, beer, walk, or other activity. Be upfront with them about where you are mentally and ask for their support as you climb out of the deep pit of grief you find yourself in. We will often find that we must make new friends, and these are often our fellow widowers with whom we now have much in common.

©2024 Fred Colby, All rights reserved.