People often ask us if there are differences in how women and men grieve.

We see this most often after the death of a child when the grieving styles of the bereaved parents can be quite different. Sometimes these differences can add yet another layer of depth to one’s grief as each part of the dyad has difficulty understanding how their partner is behaving in their grief. The bereaved mother may be so distraught that she’s not able to get out of bed in the morning while her husband is dressed, out of the house, and working at his desk by seven in the morning. Conflicts can arise: “How can you go to work? Aren’t you upset? Didn’t you love our son? How come you’re not dealing with this the way I am?” Yet differences in grieving styles can also be seen among siblings and other family members. An individual can have several siblings and each one will grieve differently after the death of their parent.

Clinicians stress that there are individual differences in the expression of grief and that grieving styles exist across a continuum.

However, they also note that more females tend to grieve in what’s now called a more ‘intuitive’ fashion while more males tend to grieve in an ‘instrumental’ fashion. These two terms have been coined by my dear friends and colleagues, Dr. Terry Martin and Dr. Ken Doka, in their book, Men Don’t Cry, Women Do. An intuitive style of grieving is one where feelings are intensely experienced. The bereaved individual experiences strong affective reactions and at the same time, their expression mirrors these inner feelings. When they cry and share these feelings with others, they are supported. They may experience prolonged periods of confusion, have difficulty focusing and concentrating, frequently feel disorganized, and disorientated. Physical exhaustion and anxiety may also occur. This pattern or style of grieving clearly has a strong affective component as bereaved individuals deeply feel and express their feelings.

Do we fall into one or another style of grieving?

Intuitive grievers are more likely to express their grief in waves of affect. On the other hand, instrumental grievers are more likely to describe it in physical or cognitive terms. One’s affect is more muted than and perhaps not as pronounced as with intuitive grievers.

Problem-solving strategies are used and often energy levels are enhanced. We can also observe a blending of these two styles. While most men tend to be instrumental grievers there are many women who also express their grief in an instrumental way and vice versa. It is erroneous to conclude that because someone is not crying that they are not grieving. One action does not equate with the other. For several years I worked with a father whose 25-year-old daughter died after a car accident. Although obviously devastated by the death of his daughter, he could not tolerate being in a support group and did not feel ‘comforted’ being with others who were expressing their emotions. Much of his energy was spent organizing an annual award to be given in his daughter’s memory. He raised funds, interviewed candidates,
and had the public opportunity each year to remember his daughter. This was his way of doing something tangible to honor his daughter’s memory. Recognizing the diversity in the way people grieve can enhance our understanding and foster acceptance. Just as there are no time frames for when grief is over, we recognize that there are many paths and ways in which people express their grief.